laboratory AIDS

i had the usual tri-monthly meeting with my shrink yesterday. he said i look like i have a lot on my mind. he's probably right.

lately, i've been stressing over my prospective future--how decisions i've made in the past will effect the final outcome--assuming there is a definite, immutable end result. (there probably is).
right now, i'm stuck in the present. in limbo. i'm at that disillusioned phase in my twenties where everything bores me to tears. i realize the pointlessness of everything and it depresses the hell out of me. i know there's nothing to be gained in trying. so i choose not to. though, the voice in the back of my head--that phantom do-gooder--keeps telling me to get out there and find a wife, think about a career, invest in friends/the stock market.
mostly, though, i don't care. it doesn't interest me. or, it does. but in a highly compulsory anxiety-inducing way.
i want to make music. but everything i produce sounds like shit. i've looked at a few local bands. and honestly, it's a disheartening. everyone has their shit together, even if it is highly formulaic indie-rock, in the same vein as all those pop-punk bands from years ago. the thing is, they all have this sound. this sound that appeals to the masses. a sound that is tight and focused. qualities which are lacking in my own music. i don't know. it could be psychological.
i'm kind of sick of rock music. actually, that's an understatement. i'm really sick of rock music. it's fucking boring. i want to start making electronic stuff--nothing too out-there. it just seems like it would be easier to extract all the sounds/sensations in my head via programming them on a laptop (i feel that detached) versus strumming a couple chords slash investing hours into noodling around on distortion-laden melodies in the hopes of achieving something poignant or affecting. i guess it all comes down to which medium i prefer. and lately, i've begun to regret ever picking up the guitar. i could have wasted my time on something more productive--like piano. the guitar cannot express my current mental state and for that i feel a deep-seated grudge against my thirteen year-old self--that impressionable kid with a penchant for vegging out to countless hours of VH1. i can still remember where i was the first time i saw nirvana on t.v. and how that directly influenced my decision to play guitar.
i'm such a fucking cliche.
i haven't been dating recently. stopped going out as much. it's not that i don't want to, it's just never convenient.
life is inconvenient.
oh well.