quite clearly an aberration, clare quilty

one thing i really value is my privacy. i like to spend a lot of my time alone, reading or thinking about things. i don't really like to write, unless i feel an immediate urge to expel some lingering bit of intellectual excrement--i mean, it's more like a compulsion, really. i do get satisfaction out of it--don't get me wrong--it's just not what i'd prefer to be doing most of the time. if i had my choice between staying in bed all day and doing nothing or taking walks around the neighborhood, doing nothing or actively trying to get somewhere, through more constructive means, like writing, i'd easily take the former two options.

it's just too much at times. it's something like sensory overload. i see all these things, i develop all these great and ambitious ideas and then i feel like i have to retreat, mull them over for a while--though, i never have the energy to act on them when the times comes--when the time comes (though i'm still not sure if it has or what that even means).

i like people. but not all the time. i mean, when i'm ready, i'm a really caring and compassionate person--i'm a really good listener. but it's what i do with that information--anecdotes and moments i share with friends and strangers and family--that puts people off. i mean, it might take me a whole week to decide i'm ready to hang out with someone again after our initial meeting. i just need time to think about everything--and, even then, i never do. there's always this sense that everything is rushed and moving too fast. and then i get put into these little traps, where people can and do take cheap shots at my philosophies and what they imaginie to be my intentions, the significance of all my actions.

there's always drama around. it follows me, oh so quietly.

i've become profoundly skeptical of the media lately. i'm not sure i believe there's some sinister force directly affecting our lives, some sort of man behind the curtain, but i do think there's a definite degree of shadiness surrounding the information we recieve and use to shape our philosophies and ideals on a day-to-day basis. money, obviously, is a guiding force among all major corporations and the major corporations, in turn, fund the news media, adverts, entertainment industries, etc. i'm not saying there's always some evil ulterior motive, but there's undeniably a fair amount of schlock out there, which gets pushed into pressing or publication without any real, substantial intellectual value. take, for instance, the movie, the hangover, which i saw this past weekend. it's a pretty typical american buddy comedy, in the tradition of the dream team or animal house or road trip (yes, same director...i know). mysteriously, though, it's been heralded by the media as a crowning achievement, though it clearly offers nothing new. zack galifianakis, though a personal favorite of mine, is clearly instructed in his role to play the hyper-aloof "crazy" one of the group and, although his performance is enjoyable, it's not anything we haven't seen before. think tom green in road trip or belushi in animal house. yet the movie still gets praised and recognized as something new. and the worst part is...people eat it up. they believe exactly what they are told.
and, alas, the cycle continues...

(to be continued...)