the boy who questioned everything

well, it's gotten worse.

i went to the pharmacy tonight and picked up some anti-psychotics i was prescribed almost a year ago. we'll see if they work.

it just frightens me to think that at any moment i could just lose it--go absolute bat-shit crazy. and who's to say i haven't already?

i did some research and seems i may have schizophrenia. i have a number of the symptoms associated with the disorder. namely, thought disorder. my growing inability to verbally express myself is what some psychologists would see as an outward manifestation of this symptom.

i can only communicate through writing. or maybe that's a delusion, as well.

i'm really confused right now. i used to have a sort of frame of mind, a concrete perspective, through which i could see things clearly. maybe not clearly, but it made sense to me. now, i seriously question whether anything i think or say makes a lick of sense to anyone.

i feel like my mind has been split--cut in slabs, like meat. it sits on the counter top, occasionally taking in the sting of pepper and spices. but what is it being prepared for? who is it being prepared for?

is there any point to this off-the-map kind of thinking?

it's incredible to me how so many people can harbor such different perspectives and still agree on one universal idea of sanity--the one absolute clear perspective.

i mean, what if i forget and act out my unbridled thoughts?

who's to say i'm wrong? when everyone's wrong.

i've got to stop dwelling on it. it's only making it worse. i need to find a way to block it all out. hopefully, these pills will work.