hesse: intellectual skittles

on my drove home from work, i stumbled upon a dark and familiar sky. to call it overcast, would be a broad generalization--and that's what i'm all about: broad generalizations, simplifying the world, finding a happy medium between the world i envision and the world as it is--a network of sensational ephemera. though, because i've found it important enough to write about it, it begs digging deeper.

what it mostly reminded me of--that is, my split-second assessment--was a memory from when i was younger. to this day, i'm not even sure if it really happened. as far as memories go, it's rather mundane--with all the marks of a dream. highly impressionistic and, like most memories from my youth, a perfect vignette in the bulging anthology of sensory information masquerading as linear history. i don't know why i remember the things i remember, but i do.

anyway, the story goes like this:

the sky was overcast. nearly pitch-black, as if the day decided not to break. i remember being shuttled over to a companion elementary school and taking part in a mini-planetarium exhibit. i remember crawling on my hands and knees through a tent, through a maze of tunnels and the disembodied laughter of my fellow classmates. finally, in the center of it all was a seemingly infinite (there's no doubt in my mind that it was tall enough so that i couldn't reach it) and vast display of stars--like the real thing. i remember looking up at it and hearing a voice explaining to me typical trivial babble about the solar system--facts which only an idiot savant could ever commit to memory without the proper influence of experience. from there, i can remember getting back on the bus and the sky still dark as before. in fact, the one thing that i always run back to in my mind, is the contrast between the artificial light indoors and the early morning pitch black sky outside. it was almost as if i'd never woken up that morning, that i'd somehow wandered into or dreamed my way to school. either way, it's the reason i'm obsessed with overcast skies today and things like dreams and feelings--the inexplicable qualities of experience. and that's exactly what the sky reminded me of today. being young and stupid. taking for granted a world that i would one day miss. a world that i am somehow bound to chase for the remainder of my days. i guess that's the way it goes with formative experiences. you can't appreciate them while their happening because it's their mystery that eventually inspires you to seek them out again or recreate their atmosphere. you have absolutely no idea at the time but one day it will be everything you actively pursue. you are the images you keep inside your head. and it's generally the most elusive ones, the ones that you could never, in a million years, thanks to chance or circumstance, hope to ever experience again that keep you chasing them.

mostly, this is how i feel. i can't remember the last time i had a truly remarkable experience. everything just kind of whirls right past me. i've hit all the major milestones. i'd explored nearly everything i hope to discover--with the exception of fame and death--and its left me wanting more--something impossible to articulate. but i keep chasing it, blindly, feeling my way around until i hit upon some temporary pleasant distraction.

in an attempt to remedy this confusion i've taken some time recently to sort of figure out who i am, in an essential sense, and what i hope to achieve. mainly, i just want someone who gets me. i know i've talked about this in great depth in the past, so it's hardly worth belaboring here. i don't even care if this person takes the form of a sexual partner or a bestie. all i want is someone i can open up to or, at least, listen to and admire. first, though, i have a lot of lost time to make up for--to figure out who i am, for real. i wasted a lot of time in high school trying to please people--conforming to their personalities without ever taking the time to discover who i am and what things i like. i was too easily swayed by popular opinion. that's not to say i was a complete sheep, i just never asserted myself or took a stand for what i felt, intuitively, to be an essential part of my make-up. all along, i've been there, but it's going to take some time and a lot of effort to bring this person, this shadow, to the surface. i feel stronger each day in learning new things about myself. it's painful sometimes to look in the proverbial mirror and see what the world sees or what i was too afraid to acknowledge myself, but i feel like, in the end, it's a good exercise because it brings me closer to a less deferential and self-empowered version of myself. from there, i'll be able to find friends or at least devise strategies to find friends based on shared interests. right now, it's not working. i've had the same friends since high school, with the exception of jim and amy, and although i love these people, i feel like there's something else out there, just beyond my reach. i can almost voice it. but i can't see it. i can't make it a reality in any tangible terms. but that's what i'm after: a new life. one which i'm better suited for.

the way i look at it, it's like okcupid, the popular dating site. the concept behind okcupid is that you take a number of tests and answer a number of questions and the system is better able to match you with someone based off your criteria. the more questions you answer, the better okcupid is able to understand and find someone similar for you. it's the same thing. the more i learn about myself, the better able i'll be to find what it is i'm looking for--to play third-party and intervene in my own affairs in a way that profits me in a way i've never experienced.

of course, the alternative is probably just as rewarding--to simply sit back and take a passive role. i mean, sometimes it is better to not try to force something, i understand that. but i've submitted myself to chance too often in the past to know that something needs to change. in fact, that's all i've done--sort of let life happen--unfold naturally. maybe though it's possible, i'm thinking, to change what is natural. to transpose the natural order into my own orchestrated set of principles--in effect, to make my own natural disposition one which clashes with nature. it's all very heady--more a concept than anything at this point. but i'm working on it.

i'll have more to write about this later, especially as it relates to Steppenwolf, which i am currently reading. sometimes i feel a very magical kinship with hesse and i wonder how it's possible for someone to anticipate my own being so many years before my time.

oh well. it's probably just a bunch of hippie new age bullshit.