I don’t know why I’ve lately felt so unable to express myself. These little flare-ups happen in regular cycles—about once a month now. And I can usually work through them. Or: they go away. But this one has been the most prolonged. And it hasn’t been limited to expressing myself in writing or being able to articulate my thoughts when I have the time to actually think about how I feel. I can’t express myself verbally either. Or: at least, I don’t think I can.

Is it really all in my head?

I think I psych myself out by over-thinking it: what I intend to say. I can’t just commit to any one opinion. And I’m not one of those people who can just open up their mouth and the words come gushing out. I don’t know how they do it. They make it seem so effortless. It’s not that what they’re saying is profound: or anything I haven’t thought of before. They just always have something to say. It doesn’t matter what they’re responding to. They respond so quickly with a neat little aphorism or candid joke.

My problem is that I have to know exactly what I want to say before I say it. I have to check what I want to say against itself to make sure that what I want to say sounds good. There are times when I can talk somewhat freely—when I don’t feel the intense pressure I normally feel to say something funny or witty or smart. But those instances are very rare.

I used to be able to locate all that nervous energy (not knowing where the conversation would go or how the other person would respond or react to what I would say) but I no longer feel that confident in myself.

This is going to get worse before it gets better. I need a distraction.