cramming bones drifting

totally-not-random (i don't feel like explaining it's origins) random thought:
do you have to be an asshole to get people to respect or, even, like you?
i don't think so. i mean, i don't want to believe that people are that stupid. but, i can't be sure. people like things to be cut and dry--a lot of people anyway. this is why things like top ten lists have become so popular. it appeals to the very human need to make distinctions and organize things. also, this is why the concept of genre--the idea that things can be lumped definitively into fixed categories has become so prevalent. it fulfills this need. it makes things seem absolute. black and white. when it's--really--anything but.
i'd like to believe that everything can just exist--that we don't need to make these distinctions or that these distinctions can exist without requiring further distinctions between what is "good" or what is "bad." it's all circumstantial in my opinion. in the right light, in the right context, anything is "good." anything is "bad." mullets, for instance, may seem "bad" or "uncool" to the wrong group of people. but some people legitimately like mullets. for them, mullets are "cool." they are "good." so, how can we say, ultimately, that mullets are not a good idea. is it popular opinion? what does it matter. why can't people learn to just appreciate that some people are different? i mean, isn't that what we've been taught in school?
it's funny. the same people who criticize racists for hating a group of people for something as arbitrary and pointless as race or skin color commit the same error in analogous circumstances. for instance, plenty of hipsters are active in social affairs. politics, etc.. not because they feel passionately about these things--hot-button issues--but because it's cool to get involved in social issues and politics. furthermore, associating with a certain political group--conservative, liberal, whatever--sets you apart from those who choose to associate with other groups. and they bash each other for this very reason. because both sides have chosen to think or conduct their lives differently. obviously, this is kind of a flawed analogy--when it comes to politics, not all the time, but sometimes it matters--but work with me. it's the same idea. someone shows their "true colors," so to speak (and this is the rationale of these people) and, suddenly, that person is no longer "cool." they're a democrat. or they're a republican. or a commie. and because they are the way they are, because they think the way they do, they're automatically hated. why? because they're different. anti-racists hate racists much in the same way racists hate members of other races. because they're unlike themselves. it's kind of dumb, really, when you think about it. i mean, i'm not condoning racism, by any means. all i'm saying is that, though the act itself may be wrong, it's not right bear a grudge against that person. it's not constructive either. you should want to help them. because, ultimately, this is how racism is going to end. racism is not going to stop because you decide to try to stop racism, as a concept. it's going to stop because you try to stop racists from believing in racism. hating them is only going to incite them--breed even more conflict. two wrongs, etc. the goal should be, not to shut them out, but to open their minds.

i don't know.

whatever. i guess i'm getting kind of tired. it's been weird night. i think i'm going to go to bed.

bluh.

jim & i: gemantics

i've been reading narcissus and goldmund lately. if anyone had it figured it out, it was probably hesse. hesse kept it real.

one thing, among many, that i like about the book is how hesse celebrates the innate differences in people. he suggests that when people, in general, attempt to obliterate these differences, or when they fail to acknowledge their own unique idiosyncrasies--what sets them apart--they become unhappy and, for lack of a better phrase, less than themselves.

i think this is true. i mean, it's possible that some people--and i've always thought this about myself--thrive off mimicking the desirable qualities in others--that, in essence, this is what constitutes their character--this is what makes them unique. i mean, it's vicarious reinforcement, plain and simple. though, i haven't been able to determine whether or not this is a bad thing. it seems like i'm most consistently happy when i'm pretending to be someone else.

but...who knows?

more garbage to ponder, i guess.

speaking of which, i've felt really overwhelmed lately--at select moments, anyway--with my own thoughts. i get so lost in what jim calls "memory worship" and intricate non-dimensional webs of intellectual fodder that it becomes stifling at times to even try and communicate what i'm thinking. and it's not limited to the inexplicable crap which obviously can't be communicated simply. it's the little things, too. simple questions. small talk. i wish i had the ability to stop time and analyze every word spoken, by myself and by others, before arriving at a final response or answer. i mean, if you think about it, something as simple as answering "yes" or "no" bears so much weight. so much weight. it has the ability to forever alter everything. if more people realized this i don't think they'd be as windy and frivolous with their words. they'd be little uncommunicative assholes, like me. brooding ego-maniacs, delusional--convinced that the world spins not on their own axis but their perception of that axis.

for someone who hates themselves and life as much as i do, i don't know why i think i'm so important.

oh well.

weasel words. i guess. plain and simple. thought-terminating cliches.

and this is how i rationalize everything...

nosedive into obscurity

it's become rather difficult, if not impossible, for me lately to see things in terms of right or wrong, black or white--red, white, and/or blue. i take in everything, all at once, objectively. maybe not objectively, but something very close. and the world becomes a mucky, muddled mess of man-made make-beliefs and disenchanting truths.
i don't believe in morals or morality anymore. i can't support a system rooted in ambiguity. it puzzles me, truly, that people can be such staunch advocates for this or that cause or opponents of this or that issue and toss around words like "rights," used in the sense that each person is entitled to or given such and such luxury by nature (or god), without any strong evidence to support their claim. perhaps, if there existed some sort of universal book or document on the matter, i'd be more inclined to join the effort, jump on the bandwagon. sadly, though, and it truly is sad, no such text exists--not one that has managed to transcend religious or cultural disparities anyway. so, i mean, though i desperately want something in which to invest my entire faith, being, support, i know this idea is foolish--despite seeming otherwise.

i believe in nothing. and it breaks my heart.

the truth is, we as humans, are, and always will be, unable to come together on any one issue. there is no one idea that people will unanimously get behind. sure, there will always be a majority, but a majority is not everyone. the majority decides, for everyone, what is and is not acceptable for the entire population or a certain faction. and if someone disagrees, there is a conflict.
there will always be conflict.
ironically, this is harmony.
this is the ever-present dichotomy which i am attempting to see beyond, remedy. surely, it will take a mind far greater than my own to accomplish this feat, but...hey, if it passes the time, keeps me entertained for awhile, why not?
everything is fleeting, i know, but it's the illusion we impose upon ourselves, or accept blindly, that our decisions bear some kind of significant weight in the world, that we have the ability to change things--this is ultimately what makes life seem worth living. it's a day-to-day thing and, as of late, it's become so incredibly boring to me. so exhausting. in my mind, i am able to fully grasp this long series of ups and downs, the constant pleasure and pain i'll be made to encounter in my lifetime, and it depresses me. it really does. i know what's going to happen before it happens. and i know what i may feel is important today, won't be important a few years, days, centuries from now. and that's really disconcerting. nothing i do matters. at all. in any significant way. i'm here. i do this. i do that. and then i'm dead. and that's pretty much it. so, what's the point? i have no ambitions anymore. and if morals are defined by some sort of ultimate goal, then why try to adhere to them when you know it won't matter a few years down the road? why try if you know that, right now, in some other part of the world, your system of morals are the complete antithesis of someone else's system? there is no right or wrong, so why fight to keep these ideas alive?