jim & i: gemantics

i've been reading narcissus and goldmund lately. if anyone had it figured it out, it was probably hesse. hesse kept it real.

one thing, among many, that i like about the book is how hesse celebrates the innate differences in people. he suggests that when people, in general, attempt to obliterate these differences, or when they fail to acknowledge their own unique idiosyncrasies--what sets them apart--they become unhappy and, for lack of a better phrase, less than themselves.

i think this is true. i mean, it's possible that some people--and i've always thought this about myself--thrive off mimicking the desirable qualities in others--that, in essence, this is what constitutes their character--this is what makes them unique. i mean, it's vicarious reinforcement, plain and simple. though, i haven't been able to determine whether or not this is a bad thing. it seems like i'm most consistently happy when i'm pretending to be someone else.

but...who knows?

more garbage to ponder, i guess.

speaking of which, i've felt really overwhelmed lately--at select moments, anyway--with my own thoughts. i get so lost in what jim calls "memory worship" and intricate non-dimensional webs of intellectual fodder that it becomes stifling at times to even try and communicate what i'm thinking. and it's not limited to the inexplicable crap which obviously can't be communicated simply. it's the little things, too. simple questions. small talk. i wish i had the ability to stop time and analyze every word spoken, by myself and by others, before arriving at a final response or answer. i mean, if you think about it, something as simple as answering "yes" or "no" bears so much weight. so much weight. it has the ability to forever alter everything. if more people realized this i don't think they'd be as windy and frivolous with their words. they'd be little uncommunicative assholes, like me. brooding ego-maniacs, delusional--convinced that the world spins not on their own axis but their perception of that axis.

for someone who hates themselves and life as much as i do, i don't know why i think i'm so important.

oh well.

weasel words. i guess. plain and simple. thought-terminating cliches.

and this is how i rationalize everything...