laudanum

i was watching 'night of the hunter' early this morning. though i did enjoy it, i was having trouble really immersing myself in the story--experiencing the film, so to speak, though i know that sounds kind of lame. what was preventing me from getting the most out of my viewing experience had nothing to do with the movie itself but with something i've been wrestling with lately--this feeling i have like i've devoured way too much culture. i'm only twenty-five and i feel like i've already consume way more sensory information than the average baby-boomer--more than i probably should have. my head is a mess of broken images and pseudo-intellectual terminology--sound bites and fragmented passages; scenes with no context, though they play out in my mind anyway, with great emotional resonance. basically: i feel like i've seen way too many movies, read way too many books and listened to way too many records--i have a lifetime's share of cultural trivia swirling around chaotically in my head and i'm starting to believe (though it may just be unfounded worrying) that i'm going to have some form of a breakdown wherein my brain's hard drive becomes overwhelmed and crashes. i've said this for a long time but i really do need to stop and reflect on everything i've experienced, taken in visually, intellectually, etc. i need to go back and watch movies i've already seen to refresh myself and learn again what made them so profound to me in the first place--not even profound--i need to watch them again because, in a way, they've defined me. sometimes it's subtle--it's the way an actor delivers a line that i remember or a particular scene set to the perfect song. but i feel like these things add up. even if i hate a movie or a book i've still spent time with it--i've still been affected by it. i'd be naive to dismiss something entirely because i didn't enjoy it. people aren't just little reflections of the things they like and only the things they like--also having an affect are the things we don't like--and it's these things, i believe, that have just as much influence on how we perceive the world. we learn what we don't like by measuring it against the things we do like and vice versa. i feel like i take this for granted. i need to refresh myself from time to time--remind myself of things i dislike in this world because they're just as instrumental in carving out my essential identity. if i could, i'd go back and watch every movie i've ever seen, re-read every book i've ever read, just because i feel like i've forgotten so much. i need to remind myself of my convictions (are convictions something you can forget?), rediscover the beauty in things i once found new and have since neglected if only because i'm a wanderer by nature--always in search of something new, never wanting to revisit old territory, though i know that it's in my best interest sometimes.