largentdupoche

it's been a while and i've had a lot on my mind lately. i'm feeling frustrated though because i'm unable to express all that's been troubling me--it doesn't come so easy when it's something i care about. i can write a million songs about nothing but i can't write one about something that actually bothers me. i wonder why that is. i have to approach everything indirectly. once i recognize what it is that i'm tackling--be it through song or writing--i'm instantly blocked. i have to pretend that i'm not conscious of it, which is near impossible. there's a good hemingway quote on the matter which i've quoted too many times before so i won't bother with it here (the one about butterflies becoming cognizant of their ability to fly and thus they are no longer able to fly). i just wish i could communicate in any capacity the things that really matter--the things that affect me deeply. maybe i'm just not meant to be a writer or an artist. i have an ever-looming suspicion that this may be the case, as much as it pains me to confront that possibility. i see how writers like dickens or O'Connor are able to craft a story and load it with so much poetic detail and do it so effortlessly and i get discouraged. there's something that's preventing me from completely letting go--perhaps it is this awareness. i don't know. it's so frustrating: having so much to say and no way to say it. oh well.