childish

there is something
i know
that does this to me
it's a combination of things
or it is one thing
it happens all of the sudden:
my brain makes the wrong connections
or it doesn't make the right ones
i lose my grasp
on throwaway words
and a way of speaking
that once came so effortlessly
a way of speaking that
formerly defined me
or so i thought
and then i feel no longer like myself
and i am forced to either recalculate
or make an unnatural
attempt at impersonating
who i thought i was before
what i want to know is:
what is it exactly that puts me in this tight spot
and why can't i be self-assured all the time
when will i finally be me--finally
and not have to worry about losing
what i tell myself i am
whether or not that perception is true