in other news

i can't guarantee this post will be coherent. i'm not drunk or anything. i've just been feeling really disorganized in my thinking lately--spread really thin yet brimming with intangible thoughts for which i can't seem to find the words. i'm having a hard time articulating, not just how i feel, but...anything. i don't know what's happened to me. though: i recognize it as a pattern. every two months or so i get into these little ruts where i feel totally wiped out--totally stifled. perhaps i'm imagining it. who knows.

anyway: i've been thinking a lot recently (in addition to so many other things) about what i want to do now that i've graduated with a useless liberal arts degree. i'm sort of stuck: i can either try to find a job with the worthless degree i have now or go back to school for something else--either something i enjoy or something that will make me decent money--a livable income. it's sort of reminds me of when i was a kid and i went to places like chuck e. cheese's or great times. at the end of the trip i was confronted with the horrendous decision to either save the tickets i earned for the next time so that i could get a bigger prize or cash them in then because it was uncertain when i'd go back--or if i'd go back--and there were smaller prizes which were attractive because they were conveniently immediate and within my ticket range. i don't want to settle for something that will make me unhappy but i'm not so certain there's a job out there that will make me happy: even (or especially if) it's a job i "enjoy." the thing with me is: i need some degree of contention in my life. i can't feel passionate about anything because then...i don't feel passionate about it anymore. i need to feel at odds with some major aspect of my life to appreciate the things i truly enjoy by contrast. i don't want to end up doing something i love and then find myself no longer to appreciate it outside of work--or at all; not being able to enjoy it as a job either. this is why i'm considering accounting. it's so against everything i am (in theory): but it works because it's somewhat mindless and pays well. i like mindless tasks (to an extent). i like washing dishes. i like stacking boxes. the trick for me is to get into the rhythm of whatever i'm doing: then it becomes sort of trance-inducing and easier to tolerate--it goes by quicker. and number-crunching is pretty much the penultimate in mindless trance-inducing tasks: it appeals to me in the same way the idea that warhol used to paint copy after copy of the same picture while listening to the same song on his walkman over and over for hours on end appeals to me. it's the only way i can simultaneously enjoy what i'm doing (by not enjoying it--or by not enjoying it too much) and still feel validated in my career choice. the thing with me is: if everything in my life is perfect and i do exactly what i want to all the time, i, because of my nature, have to start hating something (i'm just such a natural contrarian) so i start hating the things i'm passionate about--which i don't want. i want to still enjoy the things i enjoy and the only way to do that is to not enjoy something else--something else entirely unrelated. maybe it's a sign of immaturity. that's just the way i am.

i've also thought about becoming a librarian, which would only require a few more years of grad school. the thing with that, however, is that there's no demand in today's world (and it's doubtful this will ever change) for librarians. the pay is decent enough. but i want to be more or less sure that there will be a job waiting for me once i graduate (whatever it is i decide to do).

in other news: matt came over today. it was nice. we went to fazoli's, which andrew calls "fags only" and had a good old time sitting around a table with booths on either side in the very back corner where i feel most comfortable--in public yet still pretty private and in the company of people i like.

also: practice went well. it was nice seeing my parents. and it actually felt pretty great playing music with the band again.

i realized today that everything i write has a distinctive quality to it. not good necessarily. but distinctive, which is something.