false

i think my body is finally starting to adjust to not smoking anymore. and not just my body: but my head, too. periodically: i'll feel these warm waves of blood coursing through my neck up to the side and top areas of my brain (i guess it's my brain). i don't feel as edgy anymore, either. i feel clear-headed--able to think more creatively. it's somewhat overwhelming--experiencing all this at once. the past few days, i've been in bed most of the time, waking up only to go to work or hang out with kristen.

i don't know how this will affect my writing--or my creative output in general. hopefully: i'm able to tame my current thought process--which is just a whirlwind of scattered images and ideas.

i feel like i'm sort of picking up where i left off before i started smoking: in high school. i don't know if this is a good thing or not. i had an episode my junior year (right before i started smoking regularly--that is to say: before it had any noticeable affect on my thought process). i remember feeling really freaked out by my own thinking. i couldn't sleep because i couldn't feel what time of day it was. i knew what time of day it was, but i couldn't feel it. the world stopped making sense to me. it was something like whatever the mental equivalent to infinite regression would be: like seeing your thoughts mirrored eternally. reaching for the parameters within which to set this impossible image of infinite thought: i became temporarily insane--no longer able to function. i could respond to bullshit questions like HOW ARE YOU? and the like but a full sentence seemed too daunting. i eventually recovered by inventing a sort of script which i repeated to myself internally, wherein i consistently reminded myself that it was either morning or night and that my left was over here and my right over there. the whole thing reminds me of accounts i've read of bad acid trips. either way: i hope to never experience this again.