Matt was talking to my mom last night. She asked him why he didn't have a girlfriend/why he wasn't interested in finding anyone at the moment. He told her because he hadn't met anyone he felt compatible with--or anyone willing to put up with his "attitude" and that, right now, he just wants to focus on himself--learn some things, about himself and the world, and become more secure in his ever-changing identity. I feel the same way. I miss being in a relationship--and not just in a relationship--I miss the person I was in a relationship with...a lot, but I don't think I was ready for a relationship when I got involved. I still have some self-discovery to knock out--an identity to form and artistic/selfish pursuits to get out of the way before I think I can devote my time to someone else, which is why I think this last relationship didn't work out. I mean: truly, when you get down to it. I couldn't find a way to balance so many exclusive paths and make them meet: my twenty-something social life, my private life of self-reflection and self-expression, my work-life (which is probably the messiest of all these right now because I have no idea what I'm fucking doing or what I want to do) and my life as a romantic companion to someone else. I think if I'd been more secure in who I am and where I'm headed and at a point where I was finally ready to "settle down," I could have been better for Kristen. But I still have some growing up to do--some things I'd like to accomplish before I can fully appreciate (and fairly appreciate) someone else.

The thing that bums me out about Kristen is that I've never felt more compatible with anyone. Ever. She's the first girl I've dated who, after being with her for a significant amount of time, I didn't start to feel like I was sacrificing my identity to please her. I felt like I could truly be myself around her. There was never that moment where I was like: "What the fuck am I doing? This is killing my creativity. I can't even think straight because I'm constantly arguing with this person. I don't even know what I believe anymore." Kristen never made me feel like I was being monitored that way. I never felt scrutinized. There were things she was concerned about and i often had to defend my beliefs around her and explain or discuss certain topics but I never felt...challenged like I did with other girls. And I don't mean to say: she wasn't smart--that I didn't feel "challenged" mentally. Kristen's probably the smartest girl I've ever dated. What I mean is that I felt like she was more accepting than the others. There were things she didn't accept. But she accepted the important things. And that's what matters. She really listened when I tried to express myself to her or explain how I felt about something. She didn't try to make me feel stupid to make herself feel better. Partly, I think, because she is just naturally such a sweet and genuinely understanding person. It sucks that that's such a rare quality. But it is. And I felt, at the time, so fortunate to have found someone like that. I was starting to doubt, if I haven't always doubted, that there were people like that. And it also helped that I found her breathtakingly attractive. I always told her that she was out of my league. The first night we met, in fact, I texted Benedict and told him the same. So, it always puzzled me that she'd want anything to do with me in the first place--or that she decided to stick around as long as she did.

I don't know what I'm getting at, except that I still miss her and I almost regret getting involved in the first place because...it's like, I was fated to fuck things up. I wasn't in a position yet, personally, where I had any business starting something with someone. And I knew that at the time, but I thought I could handle it. I was still/am still trying to figure myself out and figure out the world and how I figure into all of that. But I thought: because I'd reflected so much after my last relationship and decided for myself what sort of things I wanted to avoid in the next one and what sort of things I'd try to do differently, that I was ready. Of course: I could write books and books (anyone could) about hypothetical things to strive towards in relationships, but unless you feel a connection with that person, those theories get thrown out. And I felt that connection with Kristen. Profoundly. Realizing that we already had a workable foundation (the previously mentioned connection), I thought I could utilize some of my theories and personal philosophies regarding relationships, chief of which, was to maintain my own identity in the face of any potential scrutiny and to also, on my end, not scrutinize the other person or judge them unfairly--to be more accepting, because I knew there were some things I didn't like about people--certain qualities I absolutely could not stand about others--but then I started talking to a co-worker of mine who had a very zen attitude towards humanity--like: a very "everyone's beautiful in their own beautiful way, man" sort of attitude--and I really liked that, so I thought: yeah, I should try that. I made a lot of friends by doing this: trying to understand who they are and where they're coming from and accepting that vs. dismissing anyone who didn't fit neatly into my own personal filtering process; people I never would have talked to or cared to talk to in a million years because they listened to icp or smoked weed and did predictably pothead things (these are specific examples) and it was great--like discovering a world I was too cynical to appreciate before.

.....

I'll continue this later. Maybe not. I don't know.