notes from the ego

I’ve always been an indecisive person but lately it’s become unbearable. There are so many things I just have no clue how to resolve. Mostly big things: like finding a career, deciding if I want to be in a relationship or not, and if I do, what kind of relationship I want to be in—whether I should expect to find someone completely accepting of me so that I can live selfishly and pursue things I’m passionate about (art, music, writing, etc.) or if I should attempt to kill my ego completely, living life selflessly for my partner and people in general. The thing is: I really don’t know. I don’t. And all this bleeds into my day-to-day life: so that I’m constantly fixated on being the best version of myself I can be, despite the fact that I have no idea yet who that person is because I’m constantly seeking to find my true and essential identity. And it always changes: sometimes within the span of an hour. I’ll decide: OK. I’m a selfish person who can’t be tied down to anyone or any routine. I need my own personal autonomy to be happy—to live a happy and fulfilling life. Then: I’ll think that that’s just me being ignorant and that I stand to learn so much more, to gain so much more out of life, by living for others. Maybe not living for others: but focusing my attention outside myself. I’ve determined that there are ways to merge the two: to appreciate people objectively—to appreciate the world objectively by weighing every experience, every encounter, against my own calculated worldview. So far: this seems like the best option. But I don’t want to fall into the pattern of making too many or any, if I can help it, compromises to please others if at the same time I’m compromising who I am—especially if who I am, in my private heart, as Emerson says, is the only thing I can or should cling to, since not only is it essentially “me” but it will also be the version of me I’ve invested time into honing.

I don’t know. I realize this probably sounds like nonsense—but that’s only because it reflects the chaos I feel internally; and it’s only becoming more chaotic with each passing day. I can see all the components laid out in front of me, I can see the problem deconstructed and in so many pieces, but the solution eludes me. I value my independence. I value my autonomy. But I can’t be one of these people who never bends to the will of others or adapts to new situations. I think the problem is that I’m too adaptable—it’s like a survival mechanism. And the reason I think I’m this way is because I’ve always been someone who seeks the approval of others—someone who craves attention and needs to feel appreciated. Therefore: I rarely dissent or do anything that I know will cause conflict. But I’m also the exact opposite. The mood strikes me sometimes and I say what I’m thinking because I know it will get a reaction and I know it will stir up controversy. I am so many different things at once—limbs scattered in so many regions simultaneously, staked across so many planes, but I’m still able to transmit signals to each of them. I’m still functional despite being in so many pieces.

I know the easy thing to do would be to narrow my worldview—my approach to how I interpret the world—so that I can sort of plug and chug anytime I encounter new information or find myself in unfamiliar situations. That way: I know in advance how to feel. Because my identity is definite—or it is at least defined. There’s a danger in doing this, I know from personal experience, because your ideas, your philosophies and, ultimately, who you are, is never fixed—it’s never a definite thing. But it’s just so damned alluring: to reduce yourself to a self-defined generalization. It’s easier to interpret the world from this vantage point, but I don’t want to do this because, when I do change, I will once again be lost. I’d rather figure things out—figure myself out and be done with it—find a system for dealing with perpetual re-self-discovery that works.