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the past few days have been hell. absolute hell. i fear i'm losing my mind. furthermore, i fear that, this time, i'm only on the verge of something long-enduring and impossibly painful.
i can't make sense of the world around me. i can only relate the thoughts in my head through analogy--like everyone else, only i'm constantly aware of this kink in human language. and it's driving me absolutely crazy.
i can't seem to make the words come, when i need them. i'm always half a second late with a joke or a reply. and, rarely, do i ever feel proud of what i strive so meticulously to say. it's just there--conversational confetti. a nineteen-eighties birthday party. recorded on a shitty consumer-grade video camera. the kind of parties you forget. or the kind of party, so unremarkable, you can't distinguish your own subjective experience from the one recorded on camera and revisited, unexpectedly, years later.
i don't know. i have no idea if this makes a lick of sense to anybody.
i feel overwhelmed most of the time. over-stimulated and bored. presently, i have the t.v. on as i'm typing this. yet, it no longer distracts me--peripheral stimuli. i think that's a bad thing.
but i'm not so sure.
i'm an old soul in the space age of the internet and blahblahblah.
a modern age prototype--the next stage of human evolution, inextricably linked to the technological era.
i am unable to distinguish between the thoughts in my head and the personality i choose to publish on myspace.
i am a powerpoint presentation--simplified for mass appeal.
there's a story by kurt vonnegut. it's about human beings in the future. the government attempts to suppress the intelligence of all humanity by implanting this device in their ears which makes it impossible to think abstractly for an extended period of time. the device rings after so many seconds--instantly jarring the subject and causing them to refrain from any sort of deep thinking.
i feel like that most of the time. if i focus too long on trying to find the right word or construct an abstract idea with too much effort, i start to lose it. something happens and i become completely self-aware of my own thinking. it's a nightmare.
they say it's impossible, that it is an ineffable concept, to communicate how the brain works, from a subjective experience, and it pains me--deeply pains me--to know that i'll never be able to accurately and thoroughly explain what goes on in my brain. i will never get better, because i can't even explain what's wrong with me. and if everyone's subjective experience is truly unique, then, i fear, there's no hope for me. no great and unanimous solution. similar symptoms don't necessarily dictate similar solutions. and i don't think there's any sort of great almighty medicinal formula that's going to cure my faulty wiring. most people find comfort in knowing they are unique. i find it distressing as hell.
no one will ever fully know you. and that's what makes me sad. beyond words. sad.