the tonight show

the mind is a very mysterious thing. how is it possible to feel so lonely you could weep and still want to relish in this feeling, as if it were the ultimate source of joy?

tonight, i feel this way.

sad. i know.

the internet has made it impossible for me to meet people, whereas, with others, it's quite the opposite. there are people who would have no chance, in heaven or hell, at finding someone (a friend, a lover, etc.) if it weren't for this damned contraption. funny how the world's been turned upside down on itself.

mainly, i just feel like no one has time anymore to fit me into their schedule. i can't complain, though. i've been pretty negligent as a friend and, as they say, what goes around comes around, even when you anticipate it and realize the err of your ways.

oh well. oh well. oh well.

i need to record and release this detestable batch of songs. i want to make a solo album, proper. i know it may not have much of an impact (on anything), but i feel like it's something i should do. i don't know why. it just sucks that, on an amateur level, no one gives a shit and that, for whatever reason, with wider distribution, you get better sound quality. i'm almost certain (borderline paranoid) that the music industry is generated by a bunch of fat guys who sit behind computers all day, plugging and chugging certain time-tested formulas for success. nothing i listen to anymore sounds authentic. it sounds so...intangible (?)--impossible to recreate. i'm sort of disenchanted with the whole thing. i really want to figure out how some of these bands manage to create the sounds they do. is it better equipment? practice? do they know something i don't know? i mean, i can play their songs, as they themselves perform them, and it sounds nothing like the original. not quite as pristine. i hit every note, as accurately as possible. i sing every word, verbatim. still, the question remains: how do they do it? how does one manage to capture that "professional" sound? i'd really like to know.

i watched the final episode of the tonight show (with conan o'brien) tonight. made me feel really sad. it's so gimmicky, but the whole time i was expecting, waiting for conan to get choked up--and he did, he totally delivered. it was during his farewell speech. it's really kind of a cheap victory--to see your favorite television idols act against the behavior they're known for, but i won't pretend it's not exciting. conan is the reason i started writing--his harvard commencement speech opened so many doors for me, in terms of what can be done in literature and the many forms in which literature can exist. so, i feel sort of indebted towards him. i guess. i don't want to get sentimental.
anyway, his farewell speech was pretty great. he warned younger viewers to, "not be cynical," saying it's his least favorite quality in people. i thought that was pretty impressive, if not empowering. it's something i try to avoid, in my own life, whenever possible, but it's so damn hard. the world we live in almost demands it. oh well. i guess it's pretty sage advice. part of me (my cynical side?) wants to be like, "well, that's pretty easy to say when you're conan o'brien and you're a comedic genius slash icon for the 20-something demographic and you're that successful" and so on and so forth. but the other part of me just wants to believe in it and apply it to my own life. i mean, he's conan for a reason, right? maybe he has all the money and success and happiness because he's manage to avoid being cynical all these years.
i dont' know. it's hard to say.
i'm willing to try it out, though.
i have a hard time wanting to believe in anything--long enough to stick with it. i get so easily discouraged and i think that disappointment manifests itself as cynicism or general distrust of the world or whatever. so, i mean, it's so easy to get derailed. i don't want to make the mistake--lord, i surely don't--of confusing anti-cynicism with blind persistence. at some point, it's time to throw in the towel, i think. i don't want to be that creepy miss havisham archetype who never gives up on his or her dream. they tell you, in school, on the tube, wherever, to stick with it, achieve your goals, blah blah blah, but, at some point, i think it does more personal harm than good. you just have to be self-aware enough to realize when your ship has sailed. and, not only that, but accept it.
i guess. i don't know. this is all speculative.
anyway, that's probably about it for tonight. i feel drained. or lazy. i can't decide which. i'll keep you (imaginary readers) all posted on the latest as it happens. until then, yeah yeah yeah.