self-inflicted murder

i had a major freakout (once again) in chicago last weekend. i'm not sure exactly what it was--could have been the anti-biotic i was on--could have been a combination of drugs--the veritable cocktail of anti-psychotics i've been prescribed. either way, i hit an all-time low. suicidal thoughts and all the rest. i think i've addressed this before, but the only hang-up i have about suicide is my religious convictions--namely, that an eternal hellfire awaits me should i ever decide to go through with it.
the sad thing is: most of these convictions seem brought about by fear, like i've been scared into believing. i'm not sure if that's right. or if everyone feels this way, but it's driven me crazy and continues to do so to this day. i would give anything to just be able to--to allow myself--end it, once and for all. i'm just so sick and tired and miserable and bored of life--new sensations become old memories, nostalgia which i'm humanly bound to chase for the remainder of my days. nothing matters anymore.
i've been sleeping a lot these days. not because i feel compelled to, mind you, but because it's the only conceivable solution to my ever-present anxieties--it's the next best thing to suicide, similar i guess, in many respects, in that i don't have to be fully conscious and aware of my debilitating mental health, which, by the way, is seriously starting to affect every little facet of my being.
what's new, i guess?
i just wish i could go back to being a kid. not that i was carefree or anything. or that my childhood was exceptional. i just didn't have all this mental stress to deal with--i would still get butterflies in my stomach by simple acts of kindness, small victories--like how the popular kids accepted me, a girl admitted having a crush on me. a pressing concern would have been something like inadvertently offending a friend during recess vs. now where every minute of everyday i spend wondering if i will eventually lose the ability to process speech and function correctly (whatever that means) in society.
i'm really worried about the future, which, i guess, is to be expected of someone my age. i just turned twenty-four and i still have fantasies--delusions of grandeur--of becoming a famous rock and roll star, writer, celebrity, et. al. it's embarrassing, to tell you the truth. i need to buckle down and get real, start thinking about a career, start watching the news (which i've recently tried in vain to do), start paying attention to the world outside my ambitions. i just get so bored of it all. so easily. so damned easily. i've been trying, though--trying to educate myself about various topics--current and historical--finances, politics, foreign policy, fair trade, etc.. to tell you the truth, though, it's impossible for me to follow--it's so deeply encoded in a language i don't speak. i lose interest. i'm sure this is some manifestation of a marxist theory, which i can't properly place at the moment (something about language as a means of oppression), but i don't really care because i don't really feel like it affects me. finances to me are: money for gas, food, and cigarettes. i work enough to afford all my expenses. and i don't feel wronged by the government on any direct level so i've got no reason to complain. of course, the more i read into politics, the more nervous i get because i can see just how directly certain policies affect others--how others have been wronged by the government on a very direct level. i guess that makes me nervous, outraged, etc.. and i'd like to help, but i don't know how. and i can't feel it happening to me, so (and i feel wrong typing this) it escapes me just as easily as it enters my brain. i don't discard it intentionally, but it's never my top priority--to right the wrongs and ratify the injustices inflicted upon others. i don't know. i have a very cursory understanding of the way the world works and i think it's pretty safe to assume i'm not alone in this worldview. it frightens me that there are others who know even less than i do but believe more ardently in their own ignorant philosophies. and what's even more terrifying, these people are the ones that show up on election day to vote--being misinformed as they are. i dont' vote--and i've always said this--because i simply do not know enough about what i'm voting on nor do i feel politicians to be particularly trustworthy. these people, however, know next to nothing, less than i do, and still show up and decide which douchebag phonies we elect into office. absolutely frightening.
anyway, i've got some tricks up my sleeve--future endeavors which, like all my great plans, will probably never pan out. i'll keep you posted as to the progress of these projects. otherwise, i'm spent.
blah.