time-travel

caught in the cross-hairs...
i need to stop trying to force this thing--this idealized sort of life--to happen.
it's not like the movies. they sold us on little white lies.
i'll be damned, though, if i don't find it incredibly moving--every time i watch the "casino night" episode of the office.
i want that kind of romance--i want a friend, someone with whom, for once in my life, i truly feel compatible. it's probably a bad idea to model my aspirations off a t.v. show.
the truth is, however, that i've yet to find someone who i honestly feel gets me--and vice versa. could be my fault. i'm too much of an acquired taste. or something. i don't know.
i'm a hopeless romantic in the worst kind of way. i have a toxic personality--which i've spent years cultivating, modeling it, to some degree, after other hopeless romantics and artistic depressives--all my idols. so, it shouldn't come as a shock--it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i've become who i am today through imitating personalities that i find interesting--more often than not, oddballs and eccentrics--people that spent their whole lives basking in their loneliness and, for whatever reason, i expect others to find me just as interesting. i should have thought it through--i mean, i've considered it before. i've seen the lives these people led, the end result of their behaviors and beliefs--the unbearable consequences of choosing a life which goes against the grain--and, for whatever reason, i expected people to love me.
i don't even know who i am anymore. or where my true interests lie--how much of my personality has been informed by the person i've tried so hard to become.
oh well.
enough drivel. i'm sick of being maudlin. i'm sick of sounding trite.
does it really pay to be honest?
probably not.
the world thrives on it's own construction of the truth and, by extension, what is and what is not socially acceptable--socially noble--socially attractive. it's a system almost entirely guided by evolution--from memes to fads to modes of belief that are constantly shifting--it's impossible to find your footing in the wake of it all. and i'm through with trying.
there are no constants--except, of course, that nothing is ever constant.
i wish i had the ability to freeze time. if only, to stop and observe, long enough to take it all in. for once in my hyperdriven, sensory-overloaded, add quick and easy fast and sleazy life. that's all i really want. i'm sick of images whirring by at rates which defy human processing.
the world needs to take a valium. or get laid, as they say. trompe le monde! it's high time someone force-fed their relatively diminutive cock down the delicate throat of society. made it choke on their fluids--something of substance. or something. blah blah blah.