our dumb speech was worship

i spent the majority of class today reading, or at least making a valiant effort to, the sound and the fury. i am now past the first section, narrated by benjy, and eager to continue immersing myself into the twisted world of faulkner. though, i'll probably have to suspend these plans until summer. i've got a lot on my plate, as it is, with the twain class and whatnot, but that's only a minor and temporary obstacle.
my goal this summer is to wipe out some of the usual suspects populating my "need to read" list. these include: hamlet, king lear, steppenwolf, and the sound and the fury. i'd like to read all of the titles suggested on modern library's top 100 novels list, but i don't think that will ever pan out. it was a good idea--one which i lifted from a former girlfriend--but one which, ultimately, will never be realized. i just can't see myself fighting my way through joyce or any number of books which fail to arouse my interest.
i don't know. i may go back and revisit some old favorites. or at least scan them for ideas. ah, plagiarism!
things haven't been going so well lately. not that they ever do, really. but it's been really bad these past few weeks. there was an incident in chicago--or maybe afterwards--and things haven't been the same sense. it could be my chaotic sleep schedule. or maybe this new shift in friendships and alliances and the subsequent affair of having to go back and carve out my identity once more as it relates to my new social environment--the people i am continually surrounded by and their looking glass projections of who i am, on an essential level, how they in turn determine the person i am, when in their company and the power they hold to affect my disposition long after they've left. and so and so forth. either way, i feel sort of free-floating and prone to new sensations. perhaps, a rehabilitation or relearning process. having to train myself to perform tasks which i had routinely grown accustomed to now in a new and unfamiliar context. i don't know. the whole thing has really thrown me for a loop. (is that the correct idiom?). i hate change. and i hate having to be reacquainted with things--especially after they've become familiar. ostensibly constant. now's the rebuilding part. as if the end result was and ever will be finalized. oh well.

i think i've mentioned this before, but one of my worst fears (perhaps irrational, i don't know) is suddenly and inexplicably (no pun intended) losing the ability to speak. i don't know why this is. but it's always been a deep-seated source of horror for me--the possibility that it could happen. i read a quote recently, about fears, and it went something to the effect of: there is no reason to fear, but to surrender yourself to the inevitable. as if to say, all your fears will eventually come true. if this is the case--and i feel fairly certain, although, i can't say why, that it is--then i'm fucked. it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, i guess. i mean, you don't want it to happen, so it does happen. it's like, once it becomes realized, in your mind, then it becomes possible, externally. and i don't know why that is. i just wish i could change it. project or transfer my anxieties onto something else, something less debilitating and horrendous. then, i guess, though, it wouldn't be fear.
idk. maybe there's some mental trick out there. some crazy buddhist controlled thinking process or something. if so, i'd like to know about it, so then i could believe in it, whole-heartedly and make the bad go away.