it's impossible for her to talk without fiddling with the closest object in sight

my head is fucked. i just played a show--smoked way too many cigarettes and drank way too much caffeine. it always happens when i have caffeine. mostly, when i have caffeinated soda.

there was one point, on the drive home--i was talking to andrew and i sort of lost my train of thought not just midsentence but mid-word. it was really scary--like a bad acid-trip or something. there were several moments where i couldn't find the right words, i could feel them, i could feel the neurons misfiring in my brain, but i just wasn't making the connections. and it's been like this for a couple days. i'll start to talk and, where i once thrived off that feeling of not knowing for certain what i was going to say and how it would sound coming out of my mouth, i just draw a blank now. it could just be my mind making me second-guess myself--over-thinking it. but it could be something else, something serious. and that's what frightens me.

i think the pills i'm taking may have something to do with it. i can feel myself slipping, in little increments. there's always a period where i freak-out--i feel like i'm losing my shit--and then i recover, i adapt, adjust myself. i find that little groove where i can feel, at least, semi-decent--well enough to function. my worst fear, though, is losing myself altogether--somehow going crazy or retarded. and i feel like it's happening. but it's probably just me being irrational. it's really hard to describe what exactly takes place up there--i don't really have the language to articulate to anyone what goes on in my brain--it's just not something that can be communicated. but i want it to stop. i want to feel normal again. not dumb. just OK. that's all i want. getting there is the hard part. actually, figuring out a way to get there--that's the big challenge. but i have a meeting with my psychiatrist coming up and i'm going to see if he can do anything for me, if only he were more than just a prescription-writer--throwing pills at problem that never seems to get solved. and not just throwing any pills but the same ones that haven't been working for a year now.

oh well. i guess it helps to write it all down. we'll see, though.