update: why do i feel like shit every time the seasons change?

well. i can't begin to describe how terrible this week has been. i woke up for work last night and thought for sure i'd gone crazy. my thoughts were going spastic. i felt like i'd lost it. and maybe i have. i just need to remember that, no matter what i do, i will always have it in me--the potential to be what i need to be in order to be happy--productive and in-tune with myself. it's always there. i just need to focus less on the mechanics of it--the why's and how's--and just start letting things happen. because, once you start thinking about how you do something--something so natural--you start to lose it.

i strongly believe in the theory of entropy. at a certain point, yes, everything deteriorates. nothing lasts forever. before it goes away completely, it has to decompose. wilt away and rot. before it finally dies, it has to turn ugly. i wholeheartedly believe that. but i've become so preoccupied and obsessed with this idea that i can't allow things to naturally run their course, i have to interfere, so that it's impossible for me to hold on to anything. it's like, once i acknowledge that i have a sort of knack for something--whether it be writing or talking or thinking--my mind will form an attack against it. and i don't know why. it's like trying not to think about something. if it's already in your head, you're going to think about it. that's just how it works. the brain--actually, i shouldn't generalize; maybe it's just my brain--is so self-destructive, sometimes it's unbearable.

i shouldn't say this, but...
i really want to die.
i just want it to be over.
i can't handle this.
i've tried everything. pills, therapy, talking it out, devising strategies in my head....nothing seems to work. i wish there were a quick and easy solution. some amazing magical pill. maybe a whimsical encounter with a vagrant hypnotist. who knows? i just want to be ok. enough to not feel stressed all the time. anxious. i don't want to have to sleep all the time because i'm too afraid to be awake, too afraid to confront my own thoughts. that's not the life i want to live. but it is the life i live. and i feel like it's only going to get worse. just when i think it can't, it always does. it always gets worse. never better. i just continue to spiral down and out of control. i wish it would stop.