i've been having a sort of recurring realization this past year or so. it comes every now and then, when i find the time to actually stop and concentrate on myself and my future trajectory. not that i don't already spend a lot of time thinking about myself, this sort of self-reflexive thinking is different. it's not so much rooted in the present--what i lack and what i have now--but where i'll be in the future--how this current way of living will shape me so many years down the road. the thing that really scares me is this feeling that i have no idea who i am--that i am so vulnerable to outside influences. i feel like, though my identity may be there, tangible as something of this nature can be, it's never really definite. there's a constant voice in my head which informs a lot of who i am but there's this other part of me that thrives on vicarious reinforcement--imitating qualities i find great in others--attempting to make them my own.
it's something i've been called out on. in fact, i'm pretty sure it's something a lot of people get called out on. "quit acting like so-and-so!" "you know who you remind me of?" etc. etc. i just wander if i'll ever develop my own sense of self. or if i'll constantly be redefining myself, my entire life, adjusting to the transient ebb and flow of things, constantly modifying, self-editing, changing what i believe to match up with some new ideal.
i want to locate my voice and exploit it. i want to feel comfortable in my own skin, as they say. i guess it just takes a fair amount of observation--picking up on things i like, noticing when and what i like and then adding these things to my repertoire.
i don't know.
i don't know.
whatever.
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