Sunday, February 28, 2010
SUNDAY
BUT IT WAS ALL RIGHT, EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT, THE STRUGGLE WAS FINISHED. HE HAD WON THE VICTORY OVER HIMSELF. HE LOVED BIG BROTHER.
time-travel
caught in the cross-hairs...
i need to stop trying to force this thing--this idealized sort of life--to happen.
it's not like the movies. they sold us on little white lies.
i'll be damned, though, if i don't find it incredibly moving--every time i watch the "casino night" episode of the office.
i want that kind of romance--i want a friend, someone with whom, for once in my life, i truly feel compatible. it's probably a bad idea to model my aspirations off a t.v. show.
the truth is, however, that i've yet to find someone who i honestly feel gets me--and vice versa. could be my fault. i'm too much of an acquired taste. or something. i don't know.
i'm a hopeless romantic in the worst kind of way. i have a toxic personality--which i've spent years cultivating, modeling it, to some degree, after other hopeless romantics and artistic depressives--all my idols. so, it shouldn't come as a shock--it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i've become who i am today through imitating personalities that i find interesting--more often than not, oddballs and eccentrics--people that spent their whole lives basking in their loneliness and, for whatever reason, i expect others to find me just as interesting. i should have thought it through--i mean, i've considered it before. i've seen the lives these people led, the end result of their behaviors and beliefs--the unbearable consequences of choosing a life which goes against the grain--and, for whatever reason, i expected people to love me.
i don't even know who i am anymore. or where my true interests lie--how much of my personality has been informed by the person i've tried so hard to become.
oh well.
enough drivel. i'm sick of being maudlin. i'm sick of sounding trite.
does it really pay to be honest?
probably not.
the world thrives on it's own construction of the truth and, by extension, what is and what is not socially acceptable--socially noble--socially attractive. it's a system almost entirely guided by evolution--from memes to fads to modes of belief that are constantly shifting--it's impossible to find your footing in the wake of it all. and i'm through with trying.
there are no constants--except, of course, that nothing is ever constant.
i wish i had the ability to freeze time. if only, to stop and observe, long enough to take it all in. for once in my hyperdriven, sensory-overloaded, add quick and easy fast and sleazy life. that's all i really want. i'm sick of images whirring by at rates which defy human processing.
the world needs to take a valium. or get laid, as they say. trompe le monde! it's high time someone force-fed their relatively diminutive cock down the delicate throat of society. made it choke on their fluids--something of substance. or something. blah blah blah.
i need to stop trying to force this thing--this idealized sort of life--to happen.
it's not like the movies. they sold us on little white lies.
i'll be damned, though, if i don't find it incredibly moving--every time i watch the "casino night" episode of the office.
i want that kind of romance--i want a friend, someone with whom, for once in my life, i truly feel compatible. it's probably a bad idea to model my aspirations off a t.v. show.
the truth is, however, that i've yet to find someone who i honestly feel gets me--and vice versa. could be my fault. i'm too much of an acquired taste. or something. i don't know.
i'm a hopeless romantic in the worst kind of way. i have a toxic personality--which i've spent years cultivating, modeling it, to some degree, after other hopeless romantics and artistic depressives--all my idols. so, it shouldn't come as a shock--it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i've become who i am today through imitating personalities that i find interesting--more often than not, oddballs and eccentrics--people that spent their whole lives basking in their loneliness and, for whatever reason, i expect others to find me just as interesting. i should have thought it through--i mean, i've considered it before. i've seen the lives these people led, the end result of their behaviors and beliefs--the unbearable consequences of choosing a life which goes against the grain--and, for whatever reason, i expected people to love me.
i don't even know who i am anymore. or where my true interests lie--how much of my personality has been informed by the person i've tried so hard to become.
oh well.
enough drivel. i'm sick of being maudlin. i'm sick of sounding trite.
does it really pay to be honest?
probably not.
the world thrives on it's own construction of the truth and, by extension, what is and what is not socially acceptable--socially noble--socially attractive. it's a system almost entirely guided by evolution--from memes to fads to modes of belief that are constantly shifting--it's impossible to find your footing in the wake of it all. and i'm through with trying.
there are no constants--except, of course, that nothing is ever constant.
i wish i had the ability to freeze time. if only, to stop and observe, long enough to take it all in. for once in my hyperdriven, sensory-overloaded, add quick and easy fast and sleazy life. that's all i really want. i'm sick of images whirring by at rates which defy human processing.
the world needs to take a valium. or get laid, as they say. trompe le monde! it's high time someone force-fed their relatively diminutive cock down the delicate throat of society. made it choke on their fluids--something of substance. or something. blah blah blah.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
and the ground shook the world-over
i've been ripping off boards of canada slash four tet left and right lately. it's so easy--the safest form of plagiarism--deliberately translating idm and electronic compositions to six-string guitar.
i know i've said this before, but i think i'm on to something new--maybe just a new direction for me personally. i can't expect the rest of the world to care. though, i have seen similarities, in terms of this similar sort of hypnotic, rhythm-based acoustic structure to artists like the late Jack Rose--whom, i've sadly only just discovered--and his romantic contemporary, derek bailey--whom, i've also just recently uncovered.
i find that it's easier to write songs this way--it fits my style of lyrical delivery better. though, i've never been one of those people--like dylan or conor oberst--who strive to put the focus on the lyrics, with the music being secondary. for me, it's just about a feeling. i want to communicate something, artistically, sure, but i don't want the rather dull structure (read: not flashy like the horde of yngwie malmsteen imitators and dad-rocker wannabes currently populating this little slice of the midwest) to become a hindrance. i want the lyrics, the delivery to be prominent, yet buried in the mix--like the polyphonic babbling of disembodied voices you hear in yr head shortly before falling to sleep. i'm not sure if i've perfected this yet--in some cases, guess--but i'm really excited--sometimes, frustrated--by the prospect of trying.
as i've said before, though, i am and will always remain skeptical of the music industry--even when it comes to allegedly indie artists. there's a lot of homogenization--a lot of suspiciously similar artists doing suspiciously similar things, composing their songs in much the same way. perhaps it's just the flash-in-the-pan mentality currently guiding popular music at the moment, but there does seem to be a lot of crap continually being perpetuated by hype and sites like--and i'm not always an opponent of this site, as much as i ridicule it--pitchfork.com and various music blogs.
i'd list examples now of what i mean, but i feel too lazy. suffice it to say, there's been a lot of bands recently that have come out with animal names in their titles, what jim refers to as simply an extension of the neo-hippie movement. it's a little disheartening, to tell you the truth. i don't understand--with all the beauty left to exploit in the world (both externally and internally)--why anyone in their right mind would choose to romanticize a failed social movement from fifty years ago.
equally disheartening is when i see these bands--and i know i've addressed this before--they always seem to have their shit together. i mean, it's good to be prepared, but it's more than that. they sound mechanical almost--in places when they shouldn't. and i've actually talked to nikki about this--there's a moderately successful "indie" band (not that that term still stands today for what it did ten years ago) from around this area who she recently had the opportunity to work behind-the-scenes for and she admitted--somewhat sardonically--that they had, in fact, used backing tracks in presenting their material live.
so, i don't know. anytime i go to a live show anymore, i feel like i'm watching attractive robots--stepford wives with guitars. it doesn't feel real--not like the music i play. perhaps this is why they're "professionals" and i'm just an asshole with theories upon theories and theories. either way, i'm slowly becoming more and more disenchanted with the whole thing. all my interests have been commodified--stretched to their most profitable limit. i want to create something pure, but i know i have a certain audience to reach--one that mindlessly follows the next big craze propagated by the industry, itself.
it's bullshit. but, oh well.
there is originality out there. i've seen evidence of it. so, that gives me hope.
i know i've said this before, but i think i'm on to something new--maybe just a new direction for me personally. i can't expect the rest of the world to care. though, i have seen similarities, in terms of this similar sort of hypnotic, rhythm-based acoustic structure to artists like the late Jack Rose--whom, i've sadly only just discovered--and his romantic contemporary, derek bailey--whom, i've also just recently uncovered.
i find that it's easier to write songs this way--it fits my style of lyrical delivery better. though, i've never been one of those people--like dylan or conor oberst--who strive to put the focus on the lyrics, with the music being secondary. for me, it's just about a feeling. i want to communicate something, artistically, sure, but i don't want the rather dull structure (read: not flashy like the horde of yngwie malmsteen imitators and dad-rocker wannabes currently populating this little slice of the midwest) to become a hindrance. i want the lyrics, the delivery to be prominent, yet buried in the mix--like the polyphonic babbling of disembodied voices you hear in yr head shortly before falling to sleep. i'm not sure if i've perfected this yet--in some cases, guess--but i'm really excited--sometimes, frustrated--by the prospect of trying.
as i've said before, though, i am and will always remain skeptical of the music industry--even when it comes to allegedly indie artists. there's a lot of homogenization--a lot of suspiciously similar artists doing suspiciously similar things, composing their songs in much the same way. perhaps it's just the flash-in-the-pan mentality currently guiding popular music at the moment, but there does seem to be a lot of crap continually being perpetuated by hype and sites like--and i'm not always an opponent of this site, as much as i ridicule it--pitchfork.com and various music blogs.
i'd list examples now of what i mean, but i feel too lazy. suffice it to say, there's been a lot of bands recently that have come out with animal names in their titles, what jim refers to as simply an extension of the neo-hippie movement. it's a little disheartening, to tell you the truth. i don't understand--with all the beauty left to exploit in the world (both externally and internally)--why anyone in their right mind would choose to romanticize a failed social movement from fifty years ago.
equally disheartening is when i see these bands--and i know i've addressed this before--they always seem to have their shit together. i mean, it's good to be prepared, but it's more than that. they sound mechanical almost--in places when they shouldn't. and i've actually talked to nikki about this--there's a moderately successful "indie" band (not that that term still stands today for what it did ten years ago) from around this area who she recently had the opportunity to work behind-the-scenes for and she admitted--somewhat sardonically--that they had, in fact, used backing tracks in presenting their material live.
so, i don't know. anytime i go to a live show anymore, i feel like i'm watching attractive robots--stepford wives with guitars. it doesn't feel real--not like the music i play. perhaps this is why they're "professionals" and i'm just an asshole with theories upon theories and theories. either way, i'm slowly becoming more and more disenchanted with the whole thing. all my interests have been commodified--stretched to their most profitable limit. i want to create something pure, but i know i have a certain audience to reach--one that mindlessly follows the next big craze propagated by the industry, itself.
it's bullshit. but, oh well.
there is originality out there. i've seen evidence of it. so, that gives me hope.
Friday, February 26, 2010
intellectual lock-up--killing an arab
speech today: totally bombed it. read straight from my notecards--all 28 of them.
spent the remainder of class constructing my fantasy vs. subjective reality vs. objective reality narrative. i know...pretty lame. i'm not sure if dystopian describes it--though it certainly bears certain stylistic similarities to Orwell. i'd sayit's closer in spirit to Camus--with a generous dash of Lynch.
oh well.
anyway, i've been feeling overwhelmed lately: trying to cipher through the results of today's health care summit. it's so dense--like a brick wall of bullshit. it's hard to figure out when progress is truly being made--maybe that's how they keep the illusion alive. either way, i'm not so sure that i want this proposed bill to pass anymore--not with all the amenities Obama has had to make in trying to appease the GOP.
this is such a shit culture--we've truly fucked ourselves over--and continue to do so by propagating myths, perpetuating antiquated methods to solve problems which should no longer exist--not in this apparently civilized age. if only, everyone were as intelligent and understanding as they pretend to be--then we could really get some shit accomplished. if only, we were all on the same page.
oh well.
this is me exhibiting my political apathy--not that it's unjustified.
i tried, right?
it's all bullshit. i had a hunch from the very beginning. and now this suspicion has been confirmed.
i think i'm done for the night. i'll try to get a draft of my existential travesty up here in the next few days or so. maybe never.
hmm..
you're only in the way
you're always in the way
hey
hey hey
thick-skinned hucklefucks breaking down at the sight of wasted meat
the internet is the remedy
sleep is the answer
always is never
never is always
(what's it called when you flip something around to make it sound more profound? when you take your original statement and reverse it, posing it as a question? what's that called?)
spent the remainder of class constructing my fantasy vs. subjective reality vs. objective reality narrative. i know...pretty lame. i'm not sure if dystopian describes it--though it certainly bears certain stylistic similarities to Orwell. i'd sayit's closer in spirit to Camus--with a generous dash of Lynch.
oh well.
anyway, i've been feeling overwhelmed lately: trying to cipher through the results of today's health care summit. it's so dense--like a brick wall of bullshit. it's hard to figure out when progress is truly being made--maybe that's how they keep the illusion alive. either way, i'm not so sure that i want this proposed bill to pass anymore--not with all the amenities Obama has had to make in trying to appease the GOP.
this is such a shit culture--we've truly fucked ourselves over--and continue to do so by propagating myths, perpetuating antiquated methods to solve problems which should no longer exist--not in this apparently civilized age. if only, everyone were as intelligent and understanding as they pretend to be--then we could really get some shit accomplished. if only, we were all on the same page.
oh well.
this is me exhibiting my political apathy--not that it's unjustified.
i tried, right?
it's all bullshit. i had a hunch from the very beginning. and now this suspicion has been confirmed.
i think i'm done for the night. i'll try to get a draft of my existential travesty up here in the next few days or so. maybe never.
hmm..
you're only in the way
you're always in the way
hey
hey hey
thick-skinned hucklefucks breaking down at the sight of wasted meat
the internet is the remedy
sleep is the answer
always is never
never is always
(what's it called when you flip something around to make it sound more profound? when you take your original statement and reverse it, posing it as a question? what's that called?)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
pig n a poke
in the middle of the night
i hear voices in the fog
recite
at my expense
a polyphonic curse
a legion of echoes
i try to block them out
but they pull me this way
and they pull me that
down the river
they pull me in
they pull me out
they pull me this way
and all around
and all along
i was searching for
nothing in particular
and all along
i was looking for
a sign i could ignore
something to bring this
yeah, come rushing back
something to bring it
all back home
to no end
to no avail
i was all alone
and king of it all
i was all alone
and king of it all
i hear voices in the fog
recite
at my expense
a polyphonic curse
a legion of echoes
i try to block them out
but they pull me this way
and they pull me that
down the river
they pull me in
they pull me out
they pull me this way
and all around
and all along
i was searching for
nothing in particular
and all along
i was looking for
a sign i could ignore
something to bring this
yeah, come rushing back
something to bring it
all back home
to no end
to no avail
i was all alone
and king of it all
i was all alone
and king of it all
Monday, February 22, 2010
voices in the fog
i've decided to get my life in order. that means a number of things:
first of all, becoming more aware of the world around me (i.e. getting out more, returning phone calls, devoting myself to friends, and dragging myself out of the depths of my own self-absorbed depression) i need to force myself to experience new things--or old things--but to do so and not begrudgingly. i need to talk to people--share ideas and open up more. it's killing me, being inside my head all the time. i need to communicate.
secondly, i need to read up on current events and form some sort of political opinion: i'm sick of feeling powerless in political conversations. i feel strongly about certain topics (abortion, gay marriage, merit pay for teacher, global warming, etc.), but i just don't feel informed, or nearly as informed as i should be, and, therefore, unqualified to jump right in and defend my beliefs--let alone, voice them. it's time i looked outside the world of art and literature and music and took an interest in the government, because i know--i just know--i'm getting fucked somehow. i need some more concrete information to solidify my distrust of the government--i need to learn how to dig deeper and unpack the bullshit spewed at me via most media outlets.
why do i feel the need to be interested in politics? honestly, i can't say. it just seems like something i should look into. whether or not it will actually benefit me in any great way, is yet to be determined. i'll give it some time and see how i feel--if my new found involvement has sparked any personal progress. if not, i guess i'll at least feel justified in returning to my stance as politically apathetic.
lastly, i really need to buckle down and focus on music and art. i have a lot of natural talent, i know this. but natural talent only gets you so far. there's still so much i have yet to learn--to master. i think it would help to be more observant, which i've made a conscious effort to do recently, but also, to become more aware of my own internal sense of aesthetics and beauty and all that hogwash. i need to form some sort of singular vision--which i feel i am perpetually on the verge of doing--it's always been on the tip of my tongue--it's just a matter of strengthening this vision--unifying my tastes under one marketable gimmick.
you know, at first i hated vampire weekend because i felt they exploited this time-tested formula--a bunch of ivy league hipsters capitalizing on their own status as ivy league hipsters, music be damned--but now i've warmed up to the idea. i mean, it's such a brilliant and sure-fire way to make it in this world. people like simplicity--two-dimensional products. we live in a consumer culture and there is a lot of competition, so the quicker and easier and faster you can deliver your product, your message, in the case of vw, your music, the better off you are in the long run. that's my feeling anyway. maybe it's not the most honest approach to art, but it's an art form in and of itself. it's artful mathematics, is what it is. and i'm all for it. god bless the easily distracted plebeians of my generation, perpetually latching on to the newest and flashiest of gilded fish-hooks in today's quick and easy culture. here today, gone today. never to be resurrected.
i get so overwhelmed sometimes. so many images. so many new and exciting things i'm told are happening. i feel like an old man sometimes, reminiscing about the good old days of sitcoms and news stories that had the potential to capture the general public's imagination for days, months, and even years. now, it's all about creating/feeling new sensations all the time. being entertained 24/7. it's starting to get to me. like voices in the fog. i'll navigate these waters alone, thank you.
anyway, this started out as an itinerary--a list of belated resolutions and turned into another one of my characteristic rants. it's nice to talk it out, though. i have to be honest. i guess now, i'll go fill up my brain with more noise and images. tata. adios.
first of all, becoming more aware of the world around me (i.e. getting out more, returning phone calls, devoting myself to friends, and dragging myself out of the depths of my own self-absorbed depression) i need to force myself to experience new things--or old things--but to do so and not begrudgingly. i need to talk to people--share ideas and open up more. it's killing me, being inside my head all the time. i need to communicate.
secondly, i need to read up on current events and form some sort of political opinion: i'm sick of feeling powerless in political conversations. i feel strongly about certain topics (abortion, gay marriage, merit pay for teacher, global warming, etc.), but i just don't feel informed, or nearly as informed as i should be, and, therefore, unqualified to jump right in and defend my beliefs--let alone, voice them. it's time i looked outside the world of art and literature and music and took an interest in the government, because i know--i just know--i'm getting fucked somehow. i need some more concrete information to solidify my distrust of the government--i need to learn how to dig deeper and unpack the bullshit spewed at me via most media outlets.
why do i feel the need to be interested in politics? honestly, i can't say. it just seems like something i should look into. whether or not it will actually benefit me in any great way, is yet to be determined. i'll give it some time and see how i feel--if my new found involvement has sparked any personal progress. if not, i guess i'll at least feel justified in returning to my stance as politically apathetic.
lastly, i really need to buckle down and focus on music and art. i have a lot of natural talent, i know this. but natural talent only gets you so far. there's still so much i have yet to learn--to master. i think it would help to be more observant, which i've made a conscious effort to do recently, but also, to become more aware of my own internal sense of aesthetics and beauty and all that hogwash. i need to form some sort of singular vision--which i feel i am perpetually on the verge of doing--it's always been on the tip of my tongue--it's just a matter of strengthening this vision--unifying my tastes under one marketable gimmick.
you know, at first i hated vampire weekend because i felt they exploited this time-tested formula--a bunch of ivy league hipsters capitalizing on their own status as ivy league hipsters, music be damned--but now i've warmed up to the idea. i mean, it's such a brilliant and sure-fire way to make it in this world. people like simplicity--two-dimensional products. we live in a consumer culture and there is a lot of competition, so the quicker and easier and faster you can deliver your product, your message, in the case of vw, your music, the better off you are in the long run. that's my feeling anyway. maybe it's not the most honest approach to art, but it's an art form in and of itself. it's artful mathematics, is what it is. and i'm all for it. god bless the easily distracted plebeians of my generation, perpetually latching on to the newest and flashiest of gilded fish-hooks in today's quick and easy culture. here today, gone today. never to be resurrected.
i get so overwhelmed sometimes. so many images. so many new and exciting things i'm told are happening. i feel like an old man sometimes, reminiscing about the good old days of sitcoms and news stories that had the potential to capture the general public's imagination for days, months, and even years. now, it's all about creating/feeling new sensations all the time. being entertained 24/7. it's starting to get to me. like voices in the fog. i'll navigate these waters alone, thank you.
anyway, this started out as an itinerary--a list of belated resolutions and turned into another one of my characteristic rants. it's nice to talk it out, though. i have to be honest. i guess now, i'll go fill up my brain with more noise and images. tata. adios.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
the bellhop and the scoundrel
too little
too late
flowers and cards
from the well-wishers
they wish you well
in a dying dream
the kind that haunts
this place
the halls, they sing
your praises
reverberate off the walls
this bed remains unoccupied
your tired-eyes survey
your surroundings
in a dying a dream
a fabled reconstruction
of your own invention
you never were the kind of soul
i could touch
you never were the kind of soul
they made you this
in their image
in their eyes
they made you this
an empty mind
a swarm of flies
a lack of time
they made you this
in their eyes
oh, you pick and choose
turn it over
in your mind
your bed remains unoccupied
and your head
so full of lies
all i want is a little time
to sort things out
all i need is a little time
to work it out
too late
flowers and cards
from the well-wishers
they wish you well
in a dying dream
the kind that haunts
this place
the halls, they sing
your praises
reverberate off the walls
this bed remains unoccupied
your tired-eyes survey
your surroundings
in a dying a dream
a fabled reconstruction
of your own invention
you never were the kind of soul
i could touch
you never were the kind of soul
they made you this
in their image
in their eyes
they made you this
an empty mind
a swarm of flies
a lack of time
they made you this
in their eyes
oh, you pick and choose
turn it over
in your mind
your bed remains unoccupied
and your head
so full of lies
all i want is a little time
to sort things out
all i need is a little time
to work it out
self-inflicted murder
i had a major freakout (once again) in chicago last weekend. i'm not sure exactly what it was--could have been the anti-biotic i was on--could have been a combination of drugs--the veritable cocktail of anti-psychotics i've been prescribed. either way, i hit an all-time low. suicidal thoughts and all the rest. i think i've addressed this before, but the only hang-up i have about suicide is my religious convictions--namely, that an eternal hellfire awaits me should i ever decide to go through with it.
the sad thing is: most of these convictions seem brought about by fear, like i've been scared into believing. i'm not sure if that's right. or if everyone feels this way, but it's driven me crazy and continues to do so to this day. i would give anything to just be able to--to allow myself--end it, once and for all. i'm just so sick and tired and miserable and bored of life--new sensations become old memories, nostalgia which i'm humanly bound to chase for the remainder of my days. nothing matters anymore.
i've been sleeping a lot these days. not because i feel compelled to, mind you, but because it's the only conceivable solution to my ever-present anxieties--it's the next best thing to suicide, similar i guess, in many respects, in that i don't have to be fully conscious and aware of my debilitating mental health, which, by the way, is seriously starting to affect every little facet of my being.
what's new, i guess?
i just wish i could go back to being a kid. not that i was carefree or anything. or that my childhood was exceptional. i just didn't have all this mental stress to deal with--i would still get butterflies in my stomach by simple acts of kindness, small victories--like how the popular kids accepted me, a girl admitted having a crush on me. a pressing concern would have been something like inadvertently offending a friend during recess vs. now where every minute of everyday i spend wondering if i will eventually lose the ability to process speech and function correctly (whatever that means) in society.
i'm really worried about the future, which, i guess, is to be expected of someone my age. i just turned twenty-four and i still have fantasies--delusions of grandeur--of becoming a famous rock and roll star, writer, celebrity, et. al. it's embarrassing, to tell you the truth. i need to buckle down and get real, start thinking about a career, start watching the news (which i've recently tried in vain to do), start paying attention to the world outside my ambitions. i just get so bored of it all. so easily. so damned easily. i've been trying, though--trying to educate myself about various topics--current and historical--finances, politics, foreign policy, fair trade, etc.. to tell you the truth, though, it's impossible for me to follow--it's so deeply encoded in a language i don't speak. i lose interest. i'm sure this is some manifestation of a marxist theory, which i can't properly place at the moment (something about language as a means of oppression), but i don't really care because i don't really feel like it affects me. finances to me are: money for gas, food, and cigarettes. i work enough to afford all my expenses. and i don't feel wronged by the government on any direct level so i've got no reason to complain. of course, the more i read into politics, the more nervous i get because i can see just how directly certain policies affect others--how others have been wronged by the government on a very direct level. i guess that makes me nervous, outraged, etc.. and i'd like to help, but i don't know how. and i can't feel it happening to me, so (and i feel wrong typing this) it escapes me just as easily as it enters my brain. i don't discard it intentionally, but it's never my top priority--to right the wrongs and ratify the injustices inflicted upon others. i don't know. i have a very cursory understanding of the way the world works and i think it's pretty safe to assume i'm not alone in this worldview. it frightens me that there are others who know even less than i do but believe more ardently in their own ignorant philosophies. and what's even more terrifying, these people are the ones that show up on election day to vote--being misinformed as they are. i dont' vote--and i've always said this--because i simply do not know enough about what i'm voting on nor do i feel politicians to be particularly trustworthy. these people, however, know next to nothing, less than i do, and still show up and decide which douchebag phonies we elect into office. absolutely frightening.
anyway, i've got some tricks up my sleeve--future endeavors which, like all my great plans, will probably never pan out. i'll keep you posted as to the progress of these projects. otherwise, i'm spent.
blah.
the sad thing is: most of these convictions seem brought about by fear, like i've been scared into believing. i'm not sure if that's right. or if everyone feels this way, but it's driven me crazy and continues to do so to this day. i would give anything to just be able to--to allow myself--end it, once and for all. i'm just so sick and tired and miserable and bored of life--new sensations become old memories, nostalgia which i'm humanly bound to chase for the remainder of my days. nothing matters anymore.
i've been sleeping a lot these days. not because i feel compelled to, mind you, but because it's the only conceivable solution to my ever-present anxieties--it's the next best thing to suicide, similar i guess, in many respects, in that i don't have to be fully conscious and aware of my debilitating mental health, which, by the way, is seriously starting to affect every little facet of my being.
what's new, i guess?
i just wish i could go back to being a kid. not that i was carefree or anything. or that my childhood was exceptional. i just didn't have all this mental stress to deal with--i would still get butterflies in my stomach by simple acts of kindness, small victories--like how the popular kids accepted me, a girl admitted having a crush on me. a pressing concern would have been something like inadvertently offending a friend during recess vs. now where every minute of everyday i spend wondering if i will eventually lose the ability to process speech and function correctly (whatever that means) in society.
i'm really worried about the future, which, i guess, is to be expected of someone my age. i just turned twenty-four and i still have fantasies--delusions of grandeur--of becoming a famous rock and roll star, writer, celebrity, et. al. it's embarrassing, to tell you the truth. i need to buckle down and get real, start thinking about a career, start watching the news (which i've recently tried in vain to do), start paying attention to the world outside my ambitions. i just get so bored of it all. so easily. so damned easily. i've been trying, though--trying to educate myself about various topics--current and historical--finances, politics, foreign policy, fair trade, etc.. to tell you the truth, though, it's impossible for me to follow--it's so deeply encoded in a language i don't speak. i lose interest. i'm sure this is some manifestation of a marxist theory, which i can't properly place at the moment (something about language as a means of oppression), but i don't really care because i don't really feel like it affects me. finances to me are: money for gas, food, and cigarettes. i work enough to afford all my expenses. and i don't feel wronged by the government on any direct level so i've got no reason to complain. of course, the more i read into politics, the more nervous i get because i can see just how directly certain policies affect others--how others have been wronged by the government on a very direct level. i guess that makes me nervous, outraged, etc.. and i'd like to help, but i don't know how. and i can't feel it happening to me, so (and i feel wrong typing this) it escapes me just as easily as it enters my brain. i don't discard it intentionally, but it's never my top priority--to right the wrongs and ratify the injustices inflicted upon others. i don't know. i have a very cursory understanding of the way the world works and i think it's pretty safe to assume i'm not alone in this worldview. it frightens me that there are others who know even less than i do but believe more ardently in their own ignorant philosophies. and what's even more terrifying, these people are the ones that show up on election day to vote--being misinformed as they are. i dont' vote--and i've always said this--because i simply do not know enough about what i'm voting on nor do i feel politicians to be particularly trustworthy. these people, however, know next to nothing, less than i do, and still show up and decide which douchebag phonies we elect into office. absolutely frightening.
anyway, i've got some tricks up my sleeve--future endeavors which, like all my great plans, will probably never pan out. i'll keep you posted as to the progress of these projects. otherwise, i'm spent.
blah.
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