averbalspankking

one of my most looming--perhaps irrational--fears is one day losing the ability to express myself. not just in writing, but in other ways. all dealing with language and subtext. one day, i feel like i'm just going to be somewhere and suddenly everything will sound like garbled noise. it's frightening, really.

i think it stems from my own highly self-analytical nature. i'm very in touch with who i am and how i think. naturally, this has its benefits--i think--and its drawbacks, as well. i've become so self-aware, it's almost crippling.

when i try to explain this concept to people, i often use an analogy hemingway used to describe f. scott fitzgerald in a moveable feast. he is like a butterfly, heminway says, that has suddenly become aware of its own graceful, effortless beauty--its miraculous ability to fly--and in realizing this, loses this innate gift.

i'm the same way. i realize when things are good and...it's at that exact moment that things start to turn sour. here's an example. i was always a pretty good batter when i played little league baseball. every season, however, without fail, i would go through a slump. i would start the season strong, with a drive to prove myself, my talent to my coaches and teammates, everyone concerned, and then, once i'd garnered enough praise, for some unknown reason, the slump would commence. i had no control over it. it was so frustrating. there really was nothing i could do--other than trick myself into believing it wasn't happening. once i knew or believed i was good at something, this immense pressure to perpetuate that feeling, that praise, would overtake me and, in turn, render me useless--no longer good. it was like having your worst fear played out before you and you have no choice but to just sit back and let it happen.

...

i'll continue this some other time.