an attempt at a start

i've taken three separate tests within the past two years all confirming that i am an INFJ personality. if you don't know what an INFJ personality is, look it up. it's part of the Myers Briggs Personality Test--too lengthy to get into here.

basically, though, what i find so astonishing about this phenomenon is that, despite my frustration over the years in trying to understand myself, the computer can reduce me to four little letters in less than ten-minutes and thereby provide me with a more definitive solution than i could ever hope to achieve through meticulous introspection and soul-searching. i know it's probably bullshit, but...i've taken three of these things. and they all say the same thing. that's gotta mean something right?

anyway, this whole ordeal has prompted me, though it may seem somewhat counter-intuitive, given the information i just provided you with, to re-examine and define exactly what it is i want (out of life, out of love, etc.) and sort of meld this together into a more comprehensive understanding of who i am.

first, i need to look at why i'm so lonely. why i so often desperately seek the approval and acceptance of others. what am i looking for and i can i provide this for myself?

i've always complained about being single, but i think the problem is that i don't know what or who it is i'm after or chasing. is it some sort of ideal? a specific type of person? do i want highly passionate albeit fleeting romances and flings or something with a little security?

the truth is, i don't know. at this point, i'd be up for anything. when i fill out questionnaires on dating sites, most of my responses are "unsure" or "i don't know." i don't want to speak prematurely. i don't want to settle for something without entertaining every possibility. it's not that i'm indecisive. i just don't know that i want anything definite and i figure if i give off the impression that i'm a person of convictions, this is what i'll end up with. maybe i just want someone as clueless as myself--someone with the same "what happens, happens" mentality. but i'm not sure of that. i mean, am i after someone just like myself? or do i need contrast to be happy? i don't know. i've dated girls with similar tastes and values as myself, but i've never dated my opposite or my twin. so, i have no clue what that's like. and i think a lot of it has to do with never taking the time to really think it out and assess what it is i'm looking for or what fundamental qualities i find attractive--most of this, i feel, has been determined by friends or society. i'm such a people-pleaser, that i'll often go out of my way, betray myself, just to find acceptance. in this way, i compromise a lot of valuable insights into my true self--what jung calls the shadow. then again, maybe that is my true self--everyone else. maybe that is who i am--a reflection or a mirroring of my peers' sensibilities. i just wonder if there are others like me out there, because i've always felt sort of alone in that aspect.

it seems that i tend to gravitate towards people who make it easy for me to just sit there and listen--and not have to give anything of myself. sometimes, it's irritating. i just want to lash out, freak out and blurt every last little jumbled mess of head confetti swimming around in my skull. most of the time, though, i don't mind. i like listening to people. it's oddly mesmerizing, like watching television. i love people that like to talk, domineering personalities. i'm not an assertive or vocal person, so these people make my life a whole hell of a lot easier. i know i'm being used, as an audience. but i don't mind. the less they know, the more they love me. actually, i don't know that "love" is the right word--but something bordering on love--lust, maybe.

knowing this, being fully aware of this dynamic, i really have no reason to be upset when my so-called friends inevitably sell me out or turn their backs on me. it always happens. and i always get upset, feel betrayed, but, really, i'm asking for it by refusing to advertise the person inside of my head vs. the person everyone else sees, the shy, reserved, easy-going art-fag (or whatever it is that they think).

i believe in cooley's construction of identity--the looking glass self. i believe in it whole-heartedly. and that's what makes the struggle to realize myself that much harder. my identity is so tightly entangled in how others see me and how that affects the persona i project, that it's nearly impossible to get back at square 1--where it all begins. if, of course, that truly is where it begins. it could be a case of the chicken and the egg. for all we know, they arrived at the same time. or, it's all relative. or, blah blah blah. basically, i just want to find out who i am because that's something i feel like i missed out on in high school and even now. i know, it's kind of a typical twenty-something thing to do: to feel directionless and lost and wonder where to go to next, but i am a twenty-something. forgive me.

oh well.

i don't know that i've clarified anything tonight. but i've at least made an attempt at a start.