glib and garrulous

it happens to you then and you realize its devastation
in a while yet, i'll block it out--involuntarily
i'll no longer remember the initial sting--the unexpected
she'd been saying it for years and now it's finally happening
change through conflict
i'd like to think it's all a dream
wouldn't that be something?
but, no, this is happening
for better or worse
i hope she finds happiness
i know she's thought about this for a very long time
weighed the consequences of her actions
at least to some extent
i wonder, not if, but how it affects her
that he is no longer eating or sleeping or fucking her and what kinds of
crazy thoughts go swirling around in their respective heads
during that superannuated process
is it love-making? is it sex? does it change from day to day?
i don't know. i don't want to know.
but it's important that i look at this candidly--without restraint
it's important that i look at it from a vantage point
of objectivity
if that's a vantage point at all
i want to feel this--full-on
like a semi-on-semi collision
a nasty freak wave of tried and trite and tired
emotions
this happens all the time
you are not an isolated case
but that's how it feels
there is no grand scheme of things
when you're entire world gets
thrown for a loop and turned in on itself
of course, it's not my problem
but i want to help i want to provide counsel and console him
and tell him what he needs to hear
but then i have my reservations
and he, his own
i don't want to care but i do so i want to feel it absolutely
i want to vanish
in the middle of the night
like a voice in the fog
and reappear on christmas island
or antarctica
and one day wash ashore on the flannan isles
my soul spread so thin and particular to the occasional
being the author of his corpse
wherever it turns up someday, maybe