Random Awards

Here are some Random Awards.

The award for Most Chilling Song About Abortion Written By Someone Who Actually Had An Abortion goes to: Cat Power for "Naked as the News."

Sample Lyric: "Jackson/Jesse/I've got a son in me//He's been dying to meet you"

Good Lord. Part of me wants to be like: It's your own fault, Cat Power. You probably chose to have unprotected indie-rock sex in a Pabst stupor so you should have been prepared to deal with the consequences: that you might have to abort your baby. But the other part of me (the part that wants to sympathize with her because she's Cat Power and I like Cat Power)is like: Damn straight. You tell him, Cat Power. That almost-fetus could have been named Jackson or Jesse (because you're cool Cat Power and you name your potential children after Patti Smith's kids' names). That man was no good, putting a son in you. And you had to kill it. What other choice was there? Raise the damn thing? No way, Cat Power. You had a music career to focus on. You didn't have time to be worrying about having kids.

(I hate myself)

The second Random Award goes to Richard Brautigan for Best Suicide Note Ever. After blowing his head off with a shotgun, Brautigan left a not-at-all-comforting-to-anyone note that read: "Messy, isn't it?"

Brautigan was a pretty funny guy. But this is more than just funny in the same breezy way that his poems and prose-poems are funny. It's incredibly cynical. He's basically saying: Hey. Guy Who Finds Me. Fuck you. Look at my brains. They're EVERYWHERE!

I'm not saying he didn't have good reason to be cynical. Most suicides are cynical. You know, because they hate life so much that they want to kill themselves. But--Jeezus. Normally, people leave suicide notes that say: "Hey Family. I love you. Please forgive me." Because: if you're going to kill yourself, you should at least try to make it easy for those who knew you and will still be around to pick up the pieces after you're gone. But Brautigan was like: "Fuck this. I'm going to make this as devastating as possible for everyone. I'm dead and I hate you. Here's a really dark joke. The Funnyman gets the last laugh. Right? I always was the Funnyman! Was the Funnyman...."