stray musings

By definition: I am a modern-day hipster. "Modern-day hipster" because the original term "hipster" represented white youths who tried to imitate black culture in the early part of the 20th century. I am a modern-day hipster. I listen to obscure music. I'm somewhat fashion-conscious (or, I at least own more than two form-fitting flannel shirts). And, as of this past spring, I have a liberal arts degree.

By definition, though, I'm also not a modern-day hipster because admitting that you're a hipster automatically disqualifies you as a hipster since part of being a hipster is not recognizing that you are a hipster--or at least not admitting it to anyone because the term itself has become pejorative.

But that's neither here nor there. Unlike most hipsters: I am ready to renounce my hipster lifestyle of being highly creative yet not creating anything of any significant value in favor of something more...lucrative, let's say. I don't want to sell out. I just want to find a job that I enjoy because being a wage-worker and making art on the side just isn't cutting it anymore. I don't have many options--like i said: I have a liberal arts degree but those are pretty worthless. But I don't know what I want to do.

I don't want a "creative" job because I can't be creative under pressure. And I don't want to be in a situation where my livelihood is dependent on my creativity. Because even if I do consider myself to be creative (or more creative than most) I'm still not very confident in what I produce. That is: I can't see anyone paying me money for what I produce because I don't know that it has any value or that my creative potential has any value--that it would be an asset to a company. I don't think I'm "creative" or smart enough to be rewarded with money for my creativity. Plus: once you bring money into it--that's just way too much pressure. Creativity isn't something you can monetize (well, something you can, probably, but not something you should monetize) because being creative is about expressing yourself freely and if there are parameters you're usually working against them to create something. I can't imagine myself writing for money because a.) I just don't consider myself talented enough for someone to want to pay me for my writing and b.) it's just not plausible. Even if I did get a writing job, writers get paid shit. With art, it's similar--though there is never a demand for art. Same with music. People like music. But there's no demand for the kind of music I can make. So, I'm OK with not doing any of these creative jobs. As long as I can still do it on the side--that's fine.

What I need, I think, is a job that gives me the freedom--the autonomy--to actually use my brain--to feel like an actual human being and not a slave or a machine--and pays me well. I'm finding this to be a near-impossible task. I've applied at a lot of places and I never hear anything back. I've researched other options--possible career paths. But none of them sound all that appealing.

I don't like what I'm doing now. But the pay is decent and there's a real chance for me to move up--to potentially get to where I want to be. What I want is a job--and I've seen people doing these kinds of jobs--where I don't have to wear a stupid uniform (where I can dress in business casual clothing) and sit at a cubicle and get on the Internet from time to time and be paid handsomely for it. But how do I get there? That's the question. How are those people able to work such cushy positions where they are allowed the excess time to fiddle-fart around on their computers or take hour-long lunches at the mid-range restaurant uptown or call friends and family during working hours and still get paid more than I do now where I could get fired for leaving my post for longer than it takes to go to the bathroom (I should say no longer than it takes to pee since I've actually been verbally reprimanded for taking a poop and being gone too long)? How do I find these jobs?

My dad's worked a decent job for the past twenty-five years or so. He says he started out like I did and worked his way up. But by the time he was my age he already had a house (two-story) and a wife who he could afford to do nice things with when he wanted to. He and my mom were already talking about having me by the time he was thirty. Here I am: on the thirty-end of the twenties spectrum and I'm barely getting by. Every week when I go to the grocery store I buy a jar of peanuts and just enough food to get me through the week alive. I am literally surviving on peanuts.

A lot of people say that it's just the economy right now--that the climate has shifted considerably since the seventies when all the baby boomers were finding jobs--the same jobs my generation are hoping to fill, eyeballing them like ravenous predators, once the baby boomers retire. Maybe it's true: once all the baby-boomer are gone two things will happen. They'll eat up all the social security (which I'm OK with--whatever). And two: there will be more jobs for us. More of those cushy low-responsibility positions that pay far too much for the kind of work they require.

Hopefully.